Life Looked Better In The Brochure

March 18, 2009

So, I went and did my usual Wednesday night thing. A night out by myself, in the middle of the week. The local college station should have the Twee House on. Only, they don’t. How long have they been on spring break?

There’s something special about tonight though – I got my tax return. Or some of it. I don’t plan to go out and spend it, but should I stumble upon something I’ll get it. So my radio show isn’t on, so what? I go to the mall. Maybe if I’m lucky I can find twee music there. Ha, I wish.

Expensive movies I shrugged off before are now easily accessible! Purchasing power has never come so easily! Only, I don’t want to spend it. It becomes quite clear, almost immediately, money doesn’t bring me happiness. Or a distraction. It feeds greed and possession and alienation (if we possess we don’t share, if we don’t share we’re alienating each other). I keep looking around.

Randomly I make eye contact with a stranger, while going in opposite directions on the escalators. I look away – I’m still a shy boy, and it’s a girl afterall. But, what was she doing there? That one second glimpse, even from afar. I look at DVD-Rs in Radioshack of all places. I’m hiding from my lameness looking at potential movie stuff. I sigh. I keep going in circles, half looking for her. As if she wasn’t on her way out, and was looking for me too…

I guess I break my lent rule, now that I’m reading about near death experiences I doubt there’s a Hell even more. Is a latte coffee? I don’t feel any caffeine rush. I circle the mall once more – what the hell am I doing?

I go to Borders, one last stop. I oddly look for Chuck Palahniuk books, as if I’d ever read that. I think back, and try to remember that feeling of discovering Camus. When he was becoming my favorite author. It’s odd, sometimes the process is more satisfying than the outcome.

I leave, and stop at Taco Bell. I wonder what to do, and where to go. Where to get proof of this tax return. After eating I drive around, realizing how disappointing the night has been. No twee music. No twee action. No reason to actually be going to the mall. No reason to go out, period. Feeling I’m still in motion is at the biggest standstill I’ve ever felt.

Sigur Ros will make me feel better, right? I dunno. But I have my proof. I grab a Sherbet Cooler from Stewarts, my first use of the tax return. I drive home. It’s nice to be home.

They keep me in line, but keep me safe. They want me in motion as much as I do. They want me to be happy. I know what I have to do. But I need to break it down into small steps, without wasting gas, falling for strangers, and stopping at Taco Bell – on my own.

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One Response to “Life Looked Better In The Brochure”

  1. wonker said

    Interesting blog, I’ll try and spread the word.

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