Don’t ever remind me I used that as a title to a blog entry.

So, here I am. Sitting in one cafe, stealing another one’s wifi cause the former is too cheap to have free wifi. Or, I don’t support the former, seeing as how I’m not a big fan of their coffee. But I’m still here. Hopefully you are there too.

I take a bite of my earthbound coffee cake – to call it Heavenly would be degrading to God and priding Starbucks for something they don’t have. Though, the food is generally better than the coffee. And as I do, I realize just where I am, when it is, and what it means.

I’ve made it. I mean, it isn’t December 1st and I’ve washed a hell of a lot of dishes, so maybe I didn’t make it. But everything’s included!

I take a sip of my coffee. I think about when I first came here, with my laptop. I was with a friend, or an on and off lover. Boy oh boy, what a mess I am! We were watching Hunter X Hunter on my laptop. We still haven’t gotten to the double digits with episode numbers, I don’t think.

You see, there are two side to my story right now. I’m so proud I made it this first month. I’m so disappointed with my social life. Last night that on and off lover reminded me how I haven’t even called a mutual friend of ours. How self-centered can one be?

I think. I guess I am good at disappointing people. I jokingly tell myself it’s the one thing I’m good at – disappointing people. But then, I sit in my apartment, and wonder what to do on my day off. And I put my feet up. And it sinks in, just like it did on Veteran’s Day when I asked for it off. While I wish it was more patriotic or military of a though – I made it. It’s mine. All mine. I can be an ass and shut the door on you. I can sit down, and take a nap after a long day of work. I can watch movies well into the night, as long as I’ve already washed the dishes…

And it hits me. I’m probably wrong, most thoughts on a caffeine rush are. It isn’t how many people I’ve made happy, or how many sacrifices I’ve made to make others happy. It’s about my personal happy moments in between that truly matter. Gosh that sounds horrible – no, not what I wrote, but the sound of crumbs falling in my keyboard…

But what can I do? I can pay more attention to my own feelings, and my own wants and desires. But no, that would be too selfish – is that redundant? Too selfish?

But that’s exactly what I need to do. I need to sacrifice. I need to make others happy, especially my friends. Some of them have…opinions I can’t fight, but other times we’re the same side of the same coin. And after a day of that, I can sit down, we can sit down, and watch a movie. Have some tea. We don’t have to read, like I imagined. I read The Fall on my own, I’m sure I can read more on my own. Fortunately!

I’m not celebrating my first month there how I imagined. But a coffee and a coffee cake is better than beer, I’m sure. Plus, I need this caffeine and sugar – I have more movies to watch, all by myself…

Sunday Morning

November 29, 2009

Just a reminder – tomorrow is indeed Monday. But also, how far we (I) have come this past decade. Yes, it’s ending soon. But sit back, relax. It’s Sunday…afternoon now.

This morning on my way to work, I had noticed that the sun was rising. It was quite beautiful; it was still behind trees so you could look at it for more than a few seconds without going blind (but still driving towards those huge green dots). This evening, on my way out of work, I noticed it was setting. Same height, same background (well, sorta; you know how picky I can get with details!). It was beautiful. I took pictures both on my way to work and on my home from work on my cell phone – very dangerous to do while driving, but somehow accidents work out well. As in photographic accidents, not vehicular accidents.

All day today though, I was thinking about life. And how the only thing I seem to be good at is pushing my friends away. I’ve done it with one friend a hundred times, and honestly I don’t know why she came back those 99 times so far. I bet this is the straw that broke the camel’s back though; I can just tell. And honestly, if it isn’t, I dunno if I should take her back. Not that I’m that sure I was right, but I’m sure it’s not right to constantly let her think I’m worth it. When clearly I’m not.

I don’t want to lose a friend, but sometimes it’s inevitable. My first best friend from elementary school I pushed away somehow. I don’t remember, but he was this really good kid. In high school he was one of the ‘cool’ kids, but I could tell he wasn’t the coolest and he was fine being on the hierarchy rather than the king.

I don’t know if I pushed anyone away in college, although I do remember being way too blunt with this one girl I didn’t like. And many kids didn’t like. But we were also in college; we were waiting for that perfect party blond to come our way, without realizing, you know, that’s a movie. College isn’t a movie. Life isn’t a movie. Not everything has a happy ending and not everything has a clear cut lesson learned.

There’s my current group of friends I see and then somehow disappoint and then a few months later “Oh hey, how ya been?” I don’t particularly take pride in anything I do or find interesting, but that’s cause I was brought up not to brag. Now, I don’t think I’m better for listening to A Prairie Home Companion religiously (hell, listen to it and hear those Minnesotan jokes, and you know it isn’t about bragging), but I don’t know how many of friends would get it. I don’t know how many of my friends would wanna come over and have tea and read. Who wants to read? I don’t know how many people would wanna buy a movie they’ve never seen before and be utterly disappointed by watching it late at night.

Is it me who needs to change then? Am I living too simple? Honestly, I don’t think I’m living too simply. I’m 25 now, I need to grow up. Going out and having fun went while the recession took over. Not that I don’t have fun on occasion, but you need to save up or spend or buy local or buy. And well, now that I’m on my own I can’t.

But then I think about my plans. Maybe this year in that Christmas card with a taped candy cane will have an invite for New Years at my new place. Once someone buys me a vacuum (for Christmas maybe?!). Oh, and I have a TV with those local countdowns, or an atomic clock.

And then I listen to A Prairie Home Companion. And the moral of this week’s News From Lake Wobegon – you do what you can, and that’s what you have to do. It isn’t about success or failure, although I seem to favoring the latter recently. It isn’t about right or wrong, or proving someone being the latter. It’s about doing what you want while you still can. And doing what you have to in order to do what you want.

Winter’s coming. It’ll be here in less than a month. I dunno what I can do this last month of autumn. But I’ll do what I can to get through winter, be it staying in, drinking tea and reading Camus, or having my friends over when they’re able. Or both, because I’m sure I’ll be reading Camus or watching a bad movie when they can’t. I’m sure they’ll do what they must, between times of alienated my friends.

A Quick Pi Moment

November 9, 2009

A Sick Day
A Personal Day
A Cup Of Tea
A Long Drive
A Forgotten Lunch
A Quick Dinner
A Cup Of Tea
A Movie
Another Movie
A Vinyl Record
Another Vinyl Record
A Book I Never Finished
A Bottle Of Wine
A Friend Over
A Friend Over, Again
A Cup Of Tea
A Dish To Wash
A Pot To Wash
A Dish To Wash
A Bowl To Wash
A Pan To Wash
A Shower
A Missing Comb
A TV, Without Cable
A Cup Of Tea
A Lack Of Internet Connection
A Macintosh That Doesn’t Work
A PC Laptop That Does
A Cup Of Coffee Late At Night
A Song I Haven’t Heard In A While
A Movie I Haven’t Seen In A While

A list, way too long for Max Cohen to say during a movie.
A list, just right on a blog.

No Results? Yes Results. Happiness. I think. I hope.

November 4, 2009