Winter’s Here: The Cycle Continues To Begin

November 22, 2009

This morning on my way to work, I had noticed that the sun was rising. It was quite beautiful; it was still behind trees so you could look at it for more than a few seconds without going blind (but still driving towards those huge green dots). This evening, on my way out of work, I noticed it was setting. Same height, same background (well, sorta; you know how picky I can get with details!). It was beautiful. I took pictures both on my way to work and on my home from work on my cell phone – very dangerous to do while driving, but somehow accidents work out well. As in photographic accidents, not vehicular accidents.

All day today though, I was thinking about life. And how the only thing I seem to be good at is pushing my friends away. I’ve done it with one friend a hundred times, and honestly I don’t know why she came back those 99 times so far. I bet this is the straw that broke the camel’s back though; I can just tell. And honestly, if it isn’t, I dunno if I should take her back. Not that I’m that sure I was right, but I’m sure it’s not right to constantly let her think I’m worth it. When clearly I’m not.

I don’t want to lose a friend, but sometimes it’s inevitable. My first best friend from elementary school I pushed away somehow. I don’t remember, but he was this really good kid. In high school he was one of the ‘cool’ kids, but I could tell he wasn’t the coolest and he was fine being on the hierarchy rather than the king.

I don’t know if I pushed anyone away in college, although I do remember being way too blunt with this one girl I didn’t like. And many kids didn’t like. But we were also in college; we were waiting for that perfect party blond to come our way, without realizing, you know, that’s a movie. College isn’t a movie. Life isn’t a movie. Not everything has a happy ending and not everything has a clear cut lesson learned.

There’s my current group of friends I see and then somehow disappoint and then a few months later “Oh hey, how ya been?” I don’t particularly take pride in anything I do or find interesting, but that’s cause I was brought up not to brag. Now, I don’t think I’m better for listening to A Prairie Home Companion religiously (hell, listen to it and hear those Minnesotan jokes, and you know it isn’t about bragging), but I don’t know how many of friends would get it. I don’t know how many of my friends would wanna come over and have tea and read. Who wants to read? I don’t know how many people would wanna buy a movie they’ve never seen before and be utterly disappointed by watching it late at night.

Is it me who needs to change then? Am I living too simple? Honestly, I don’t think I’m living too simply. I’m 25 now, I need to grow up. Going out and having fun went while the recession took over. Not that I don’t have fun on occasion, but you need to save up or spend or buy local or buy. And well, now that I’m on my own I can’t.

But then I think about my plans. Maybe this year in that Christmas card with a taped candy cane will have an invite for New Years at my new place. Once someone buys me a vacuum (for Christmas maybe?!). Oh, and I have a TV with those local countdowns, or an atomic clock.

And then I listen to A Prairie Home Companion. And the moral of this week’s News From Lake Wobegon – you do what you can, and that’s what you have to do. It isn’t about success or failure, although I seem to favoring the latter recently. It isn’t about right or wrong, or proving someone being the latter. It’s about doing what you want while you still can. And doing what you have to in order to do what you want.

Winter’s coming. It’ll be here in less than a month. I dunno what I can do this last month of autumn. But I’ll do what I can to get through winter, be it staying in, drinking tea and reading Camus, or having my friends over when they’re able. Or both, because I’m sure I’ll be reading Camus or watching a bad movie when they can’t. I’m sure they’ll do what they must, between times of alienated my friends.

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