Garrison Keillor, You’re My Hero

November 30, 2009

Don’t ever remind me I used that as a title to a blog entry.

So, here I am. Sitting in one cafe, stealing another one’s wifi cause the former is too cheap to have free wifi. Or, I don’t support the former, seeing as how I’m not a big fan of their coffee. But I’m still here. Hopefully you are there too.

I take a bite of my earthbound coffee cake – to call it Heavenly would be degrading to God and priding Starbucks for something they don’t have. Though, the food is generally better than the coffee. And as I do, I realize just where I am, when it is, and what it means.

I’ve made it. I mean, it isn’t December 1st and I’ve washed a hell of a lot of dishes, so maybe I didn’t make it. But everything’s included!

I take a sip of my coffee. I think about when I first came here, with my laptop. I was with a friend, or an on and off lover. Boy oh boy, what a mess I am! We were watching Hunter X Hunter on my laptop. We still haven’t gotten to the double digits with episode numbers, I don’t think.

You see, there are two side to my story right now. I’m so proud I made it this first month. I’m so disappointed with my social life. Last night that on and off lover reminded me how I haven’t even called a mutual friend of ours. How self-centered can one be?

I think. I guess I am good at disappointing people. I jokingly tell myself it’s the one thing I’m good at – disappointing people. But then, I sit in my apartment, and wonder what to do on my day off. And I put my feet up. And it sinks in, just like it did on Veteran’s Day when I asked for it off. While I wish it was more patriotic or military of a though – I made it. It’s mine. All mine. I can be an ass and shut the door on you. I can sit down, and take a nap after a long day of work. I can watch movies well into the night, as long as I’ve already washed the dishes…

And it hits me. I’m probably wrong, most thoughts on a caffeine rush are. It isn’t how many people I’ve made happy, or how many sacrifices I’ve made to make others happy. It’s about my personal happy moments in between that truly matter. Gosh that sounds horrible – no, not what I wrote, but the sound of crumbs falling in my keyboard…

But what can I do? I can pay more attention to my own feelings, and my own wants and desires. But no, that would be too selfish – is that redundant? Too selfish?

But that’s exactly what I need to do. I need to sacrifice. I need to make others happy, especially my friends. Some of them have…opinions I can’t fight, but other times we’re the same side of the same coin. And after a day of that, I can sit down, we can sit down, and watch a movie. Have some tea. We don’t have to read, like I imagined. I read The Fall on my own, I’m sure I can read more on my own. Fortunately!

I’m not celebrating my first month there how I imagined. But a coffee and a coffee cake is better than beer, I’m sure. Plus, I need this caffeine and sugar – I have more movies to watch, all by myself…

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