December 29, 2009

Here we are again, an ending and henceforth a new beginning. When something is over, it’s so easy to reflect, criticize and learn.

I was going to write entries about my favorite band, movie director and author I stumbled upon in the past ten years. The one that made me most happy, the one who I gave the most thought and most made me who I am today.

I hadn’t put much thought into it, honestly. Albert Camus made me content with “not living”. Neutral Milk Hotel made me want to pick up an instrument. Darren Aronofsky made me want to make movies.

It’s funny though. Would I be okay with my placement in life, had I never read The Stranger, never heard In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, nor watched Pi? What if that one message board never mentioned Camus? What if that other one never mentioned In The Aeroplane Over The Sea? What if I never obsessed over 3.1415 off to infinity?

Clearly the biggest influence on my life over the past ten years that made me who I am today is me. Which is something to say, especially for me. Normally I’m full of doubt, or just a product of my surroundings. Well, I took those surroundings and stuck with them for as long as I needed. And knowing me, perhaps a little too long…

I wouldn’t be who I am today had I not had those items available. But I would be alive. I doubt I’d still want to be movie director; I’d do the smart thing and write it off as just a dream. But I don’t believe that, where I am in life. I have a plan, and hope to make an internet-only feature soon. I already did the internet-only band. Somehow, those who wanted to, and probably many who didn’t, had found it. I’m sure some will find my movie, whether or not they enjoy it.

And there is so much in general I have learned, be it basic HTML coding or what it means to be alive, or even how depressing it is to be a ‘scanning clerk’. There is so much to criticize, like why didn’t I ask that one girl to homecoming, or why did I go back to my high school job after college or even why am I so critical? But with everything that has happened in the past ten years, I can only imagine how wonderful the next ten years will be.

It’s hard to imagine. I’ll be 35 by then. And I’ll either have made it or not. I’ll probably have children by then. I’ll have to provide, and be truly attentive. All my hopes will have vanished, except for happiness. It’s scary. But I’ll be me. Which is enough to ask for, when you get down to it.

This is the path I have chosen, whether or not I’m aware of it. This is where I am. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I don’t have any problems where I am. I could’ve done this better, or that differently. But I did them how I did them. There’s no time to look back. Just forward. Or, just now. In the moment.


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