This Stinks!

April 30, 2010

I woke up in a funk this morning. I woke up late, called out and went back to sleep. I’m not particularly upset, but when I finally did wake up (like, 20 minutes ago, maybe?), a few kinda depressing and disappointed thoughts crossed my mind. I’m not depressed or anything – I’ve found what little I do have to offer is enough to live for. Even if I just pass it down to my next of kin, which I am not looking forward to but that’s besides the point.

There’s so much I want to do. And so little time to do it. With every passing day I’m closer to death, closer to more responsibility and closer to having my dreams vanish into thin air. And well, sometimes I respect those I work with who are stuck in that situation – mainly because their desire is to keep their children happy and healthy, and not worry about their own dreams (which for anyone who followed this blog knows that’s what ‘Attentivism’ is all about). But at the same time, as I realized a few weeks ago, I haven’t messed up anything. So why should I be so concerned about what I do or don’t do, and what I’m putting off. Well, you know, besides the inevidible aging thing.

I look back on this blog, which from time to time recently I must admit, I’ve considered deleting. I haven’t done much creative on this lately. I’ve mostly written about my concerns and inabilities and all that fun human stuff. My most respected posts? In The Aeroplane Over The Sea turning 10. A break up post. Animal Collective being the best band of the decade. As much as I wouldn’t mind being a writer, and wanting to publish a book as ‘one’ thing to do with my life, my most read posts aren’t things I’ve created. In fact they’re things I’ve torn apart, over-analyzed and destroyed. You can’t go back to how wonderful something is, the first time you get what that something is.

I’m getting closer to 26. Which I know, in the grand scheme of things is still young. This world is older than I can imagine. 2012 is slowly approaching too, not that I believe any of that end of the world crap. And hey, if the world ends, no one will be around to prove me wrong!

I really don’t know where I’m going with this post. I have nothing to say, in the long run. No one will read this anyway. It won’t matter if I re-read this next year, and think “Wow, I’ve changed.” Or worse yet, “Yep, I still know that feeling.”

Technically, it’s still April. Technically, I can still change my life before the end of this year. Will I? Will it? Does it need changing, honestly?

April 28, 2010

Okay, before I begin, no, it is not the best movie ever. I doubt anyone will learn a great deal from it. I doubt anyone would watch it and decide to be a movie director, or an actor. It’s campy. It’s bad sci-fi. It has horrible CGI. But that’s only part of what makes it so great.

From the openning monologue you can tell it’s going to be bad. Once you see the main character, and how he acts, you know it’s going to be pretty darn bad. Once you get to the plot, it’s absolutely horrible.

But think about it. You look at the average human. It’s pretty darn horrible (be honest – it is). You wonder how one would act if he realized he was (*spoiler*) the last human in the universe. And well, that’s exactly how he reacts.

On top of that, there are illogical alien worlds. They’re humanoids, who seem to speak backwards or grunt and there’s subtitles (I don’t even wanna know how much that was thought about during productions). There’s wormholes and man-made wormholes (again, probably just an idea settled on during production) with worse hints of flying fast than the first Star Wars – you know, 30 years before this movie was made.

There is unnecessary nuclear explosions. Let me repeat. Unnecessary. Nuclear. Explosions. Multiple, if you haven’t made that conclusion yet.

There are some really good one-liners in it. Most were probably thought of and recorded in post-production, but that adds to the fun of it (mainly cause the best line in the movie would never be said during such circumstances – though, he is human). There are awkward moments. There are thoughtful moments. There are sad moments. Like the rest of the movie, it’s over-the-top.

But the reason this movie is so good is not because of any of that (though it does help a lot). The first time we see the main character he is fishing on a distant planet. This movie is set far in the future, and when our species was first on this planet, we were fishing. At the end of the movie (*spoiler*) the main character dies. And he passes along how to fish. You see, like all good B-movies from the 50s, this one has hints of them. No matter how far in the future you go, humans are still humans. The good, the bad. And everything in between.

I’m sure that the character was intentionally chosen, and arguably the worst personality (a typical guy – positive he’s cooler than he is, in all aspects a guy would want to be cool). But that’s what’s so human about the movie. He’s so bad he’s funny. Even when he’s down to…Mars.

100 Words: Kimya Dawson

April 25, 2010

I was always strong as long as we were a team
I crawled into somebody’s heart who meant the world to me
Love made me strong enough to be alone and set me free
But with my friends friends to the end is where I wanna be
With my friends friends to the end is where I wanna be

I don’t need to
But I want to
Sing with you
’cause I miss you
I don’t need to
But I want to
Sing with you
’cause I miss you

Thanks Kimya.

The only thing we control – fun with our friends.

Today

April 21, 2010

Today I’m happy. That should be enough. But I’m also not 6 anymore, and spring days and dandelions don’t do it for me anymore. Ooh, look, a dandelion!

Anyway, the past few days I’ve actually been kinda pissed off. I mean, not overly – and anyone that knows me personally knows I’m never pissed off. Mellow? Yes. Content? Yes. Not bad? Yes. Redundant? Yes.

But I was having a few days in a row where I just couldn’t stand work, the drive was too long, the worries were piling up. How was I going to pay off this bill, that bill, etc. And then, it happened. I changed!

The day started off boring enough yesterday – I actually got up pretty late, and got ready quickly. I grabbed food at Dunkin Donuts – you know, money I shouldn’t be spending. I got into work maybe a minute or two late, and already the department heads were freaking out and making a huge deal. I ran register for some time, and then did my usual floor work – only to again be called up front and help out with breaks. I did some boring desk work in between.

Towards the end of the shift though, I was looking for someone (I can’t recall why right now), and instead found two people I wouldn’t really expect to be talking about parenthood…talking about parenthood. And how people my age couldn’t do something like that. And how this one manager was going through parenthood when he was my age.

At first it got me thinking – I’m both stubborn and arrogant – of course I can do that! Then I though about how I don’t back down from many challenges, and ya know, maybe I could learn to deal with it. And then it hits me – I’m not dealing with that. How thankful I am!

And since then, I’ve recorded a song, watched a movie, had lunch with a friend, and spent some more money I shouldn’t. But ya know, I can do no wrong (a huge lie). I haven’t screwed my life up yet. Big whoop – I don’t wanna be a rockstar, and I’m wasting my time with a CD that no one will ever hear. But it’s fun. I can do no wrong.

Today, I’m happy. Mellow? No. Content? Ha! Just scratching the surface there! Not bad? And understatement! Redundant? Eh, there are certain things you can’t run away from…

I used to like apathy. I used to not care. Then things happened, and I had to care. I had to have opinions.

I like being indifferent towards people. But I’m too personable. I’m becoming too nosey. I’m becoming too curious.

You can’t go back to being indifferent to anyone, or anything. You can make assumptions, which will eventually fade away. You can imagine, but that’s far from the truth.

I think this is why I’ve always liked meeting people, even when I was shy. I can hide. Or I can meet.

And how is this indifference/when it clearly isn’t.

100 Word Challange: Love

April 16, 2010

I once was in love, whether or not I want to admit it. It wasn’t too long ago, in retrospect. It isn’t who I’d expect it to be, either.

I like to love. I don’t really like being loved. I like to do the loving, not to recieve the loving. I wonder if my parents’ unconditional love has anything to do with this. Like, I expect to be loved.

I’m terrible at finding it.

There is a way to change this. It involves a mirror.

It’s a new day. Like Olivia Tremor Control sings. Whether or not WordPress believes it.

100 Words: Hate

April 16, 2010

“I hate the idea of hating something.”
– BigH012345’s Senior Quote, said by me!

I hate our generation. A lot of us dream big, with no clue how to get there. Myself included.

I hate the internet. It makes us feel we are on our way to being big. Myspace music, youtube, hell, even this blog.

I hate those who can’t stand being forgotten – or ignored. It’s funny, I’m in the background, work my ass off and I’m respected.

I think I know exactly who this blog is directed towards; someone I don’t hate, but I hate everything she does. Sometimes.

A friend of mine brought this up today. The volcano eruption would be a good reason not to live over there. I told her it’d be part of the fun, and had to remind her of an earlier story I imagined where I’d be rowboating for the hell of it, a volcano would go off and then my boat would catch on fire. Hell, it is springtime, I probably would be doing that!

Anyways, what happened to that part of me? That wanted to do something completely irrational, and get paid for it? Something I probably wouldn’t be great at, but would learn to cope with it – or fail which I do seem to be great at… Where’s the dreamer in me, as if I could do that successfully?

Further, I have come up with a utopia, using modern day technology. Imagine if we all were farmers, and grew corn and potatoes, maybe had a chicken or two for eggs (and eventually meat). Imagine there were solar panels on the roof, so we could power things – like this laptop. We would have food, we would have electricity. We would have shelter. We would be independent from the country (and our neighbors!).

I should be the change I want to see in the world, not tell stories of it. I could do it. I should do it. Will I do it?

This is why I really bring all this up – there’s a job opening in a small city around here, for a journalist. I haven’t applied to it. I don’t know if I will.

I hate the job I have right now. Granted, this new job would be a much further commute, were I to stay here (though, I do know how I’d get there – through another small and worse off city lol!). I probably would be earning more. I could also move there, or at least to a closer town. This isn’t my dream job, but it’s what my degree kinda set me up for.

But what did happen to that dreamer in me? Ya know, Albert Camus wrote for an underground newspaper. Granted, it was for the Communists (I think). Stanley Kubrick sent pictures to a magazine company. And as the job desciption says – narrative writing is a plus. I want to write, be it for the big screen or a philosophy or even this blog – and I want to write my lyrics.

What happened to me? Seriously…

Reflective and Content

April 9, 2010

I was going to write about a bunch of things that I probably will eventually. But not just yet.

I was considering writing about that first-first date I had maybe 10 weeks ago. I was going to write about how much my job sucks. I was going to over analyze Neutral Milk Hotel’s In The Aeroplane Over The Sea again.

But then, this evening happened. I made myself a nice dinner. I didn’t plan to, but I reflected on things I have done, and where I could go with that.

I went out to the casino again, and threw away some money. And went to that awesome McDonald’s up there. Oh, and up there it was snowing! In April! Crazy lower Catskills region…

And I had fun. I accomplished. And thought about all I accomplished. And I’m content. My memories don’t haunt me like I once thought.