This Stinks!

April 30, 2010

I woke up in a funk this morning. I woke up late, called out and went back to sleep. I’m not particularly upset, but when I finally did wake up (like, 20 minutes ago, maybe?), a few kinda depressing and disappointed thoughts crossed my mind. I’m not depressed or anything – I’ve found what little I do have to offer is enough to live for. Even if I just pass it down to my next of kin, which I am not looking forward to but that’s besides the point.

There’s so much I want to do. And so little time to do it. With every passing day I’m closer to death, closer to more responsibility and closer to having my dreams vanish into thin air. And well, sometimes I respect those I work with who are stuck in that situation – mainly because their desire is to keep their children happy and healthy, and not worry about their own dreams (which for anyone who followed this blog knows that’s what ‘Attentivism’ is all about). But at the same time, as I realized a few weeks ago, I haven’t messed up anything. So why should I be so concerned about what I do or don’t do, and what I’m putting off. Well, you know, besides the inevidible aging thing.

I look back on this blog, which from time to time recently I must admit, I’ve considered deleting. I haven’t done much creative on this lately. I’ve mostly written about my concerns and inabilities and all that fun human stuff. My most respected posts? In The Aeroplane Over The Sea turning 10. A break up post. Animal Collective being the best band of the decade. As much as I wouldn’t mind being a writer, and wanting to publish a book as ‘one’ thing to do with my life, my most read posts aren’t things I’ve created. In fact they’re things I’ve torn apart, over-analyzed and destroyed. You can’t go back to how wonderful something is, the first time you get what that something is.

I’m getting closer to 26. Which I know, in the grand scheme of things is still young. This world is older than I can imagine. 2012 is slowly approaching too, not that I believe any of that end of the world crap. And hey, if the world ends, no one will be around to prove me wrong!

I really don’t know where I’m going with this post. I have nothing to say, in the long run. No one will read this anyway. It won’t matter if I re-read this next year, and think “Wow, I’ve changed.” Or worse yet, “Yep, I still know that feeling.”

Technically, it’s still April. Technically, I can still change my life before the end of this year. Will I? Will it? Does it need changing, honestly?

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One Response to “This Stinks!”

  1. bigh543210 said

    It’s funny; you cry until there’s a clean slate. And you get good news. And the cycle continues.

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