September 22, 2014

I made it.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s depressing. Holy cow is it depressing.

But I look back, which was the point of another blog I started and won’t link to, and I realize I have nothing to be depressed about. My 20s were fun, and I’m glad I got them over with. My 20s made me learn things about myself, and made me face myself. I’m not perfect, and I’m done aiming for that. I’m me, and I want to find something that makes me happy. I want to find someone that makes me happy. I want to be somewhere that makes me happy. And, hopefully, I’ll make those things/person(s) happy as well. That doesn’t mean bigamy, that means supervisors.

I’m clueless on what I was doing when I turned 20. Probably drinking, and looking for ways to drink. While I still have yet to find ways to meet people I’m interested in, I’m done doing it through the drinking route. Drinking is just headaches and a waste of money. Drinking goes in me and in the toilet, one way or another.

At 20, sure, I would have been disappointed where I am at 30. I would have liked to know what I know now back then, but would I be the same person? The heartbreak, the disappointment, the hours earning peanuts doing what I don’t like? The only way to truly learn that is to experience it. Knowing it at 20 may have meant something, but I probably would have brushed it off. Like I still do with others’ advice at 30.

However, what would the 20 year old me think about playing Roy Orbison songs on the ukulele? What would the 20 year old me think about having my own place? What would the 20 year old me think about giving up drinking?

What would the 20 year old me think about my confidence? What would the 20 year old me think about New Age music? What would the 20 year old me think about staying in on Friday night?

I once wanted to make a blog called ‘staying in on Friday night’ but it was about music.

You see, the 30 year old me has gone through stuff that the 20 year old me would never survive. But in turn, I’m happy with who I am. I’ve learned from the experiences. I’ve gained confidence in my abilities and what I have to offer. The 20 year old me was convinced the future was brighter, but that was because I was imaging myself making movies and falling in love. The 30 year old me knows the future is brighter, because I’ve overcome obstacles. I will be able to in the future as well. It won’t be easy, but this ukulele playing, movie buff, outdoorsy nerd will be there too. Stressful day? Fresh air and a walk will make me feel better. Busy week? Watch an old favorite film Saturday night. Need to vent? Pick up the uke and rhyme “boss” with…”DOS”?

I’ve become more realistic. Which is a bit of a letdown. Dream jobs are just that, because you don’t work to have a dream. Though, sometimes you need to exercise your memory to remember them. I would still love to make a movie with friends, and my creativity is through the roof; relatively speaking. The ceiling in my apartment is kinda low afterall…

But this is what I do now. I reflect with a smile. I look forward, knowing it won’t be easy, but also knowing it will be worth it.

My latest favorite movie is Begin Again. And there’s a wonderful line where Mark Ruffalo explains that life is a string and pearls, but the pearls get fewer and fewer as you get older.

This entire weekend was a pearl. I’ll wait for the next one, when it comes.


December 31, 2011

December 31, 2011

Yesterday, one of my fishies died. I had it for eight years – very old for a fish. But it was my fault – I took really bad care of my fish. But that’s why I get hardy fish like silver dollars, who take it and take it and take it, and finally die – after eight years.

About a week ago, I went home to my parents’ house. It was Christmas, and I felt I had to. I watched football with my family, which I never do. And it was nice. I think I finally see what my mom does, just because my dad does. She didn’t know a damn thing about sports, now she knows the Red Sox better than I do – not that I’m a Red Sox fan.

About a month or so ago I put my ex in her place. And I felt bad, but it needed to be done. That makes me sound horrible. Perhaps I am – afterall, I let a fish I had for eight years just die like that – *finger snap*

About a year ago, I was smitten with someone. It didn’t work out. Oh well.

But last year, I was a very different person. And it feels weird how I am now. There’s a side of me that’s no different from how I used to be. Every old crush is worth my time. Even if she has a boyfriend. And there’s a side of me that looks to future – and knows I should look to the future – but that makes me just as lonely.

I never wrote posts like they’d be my last. I always wanted to report my shortcomings, and maybe I’ll try to fulfill them tomorrow. But everything dies, everything goes away. I wanted to make an album about that – and I want to make a movie that mentions that.

Maybe one day, I’ll let go of that balloon, that I let go of. It is resolutions time, isn’t it?

Nothing Gets Crossed Out

October 3, 2011

So, you know that post I wrote about a month ago? The one overloaded with references from The Microphones? Well, nothing worked out. I guess I woke up. Nothing got crossed off.

You know that post I wrote about 4 days ago? I think this will work out. And, it seems this is how to get over love, just like that midterm I took, one fateful day in college. And, it seems this how to get over working two jobs I’m not particularly proud of, just like in a post I made a few years back.

The reason? This is what I want to do in life. This is what I want to be in life. So I’ll sing along with that Adele song in the car and in my apartment, but I’m on my way to where I belong.

I was never planning this, but I like where this is going.

BTW, UK movie posters are sideways? Or is it just that Americans are more…vertically inclined?

I put this idea on the back burner. Now I think it’s worth exploring even more.

Crazy Wisdom

December 15, 2010

Crazy Wisdom

And thus, my fourth film. Or fifth. Depends if Leap of Faith is still available as a title.

Wow, Leap Second. Leap of Faith. Hrm…

Twenty-Four Usable Hours

October 21, 2010

I once wrote a short story with that title. The delivery was kinda stupid, but know it makes me ponder how I use my time, and how aware I was of that even back then…

Anyways, twenty-four hours ago I had a weird day at work, and was coming back from it. In fact, to compensate I went out and bought this movie for pretty cheap that was quite enjoyable. You know, instead of doing the responsible thing.

Also, at work (not “one of my jobs”), the computers were down for about twenty-four hours. It was interesting, and not too difficult using the old technology. Adding machines and handwritten receipts – take that computers! Although, one of my co-workers had difficulty balancing her drawer at the end of the day.

And, IN twenty-four hours, it will be October 22nd. Not only will I be 1/12th of they way to 27 from 26 (if you think that’s nerdy, I once wanted to write 1/52nd of the way), but it will be one month of having this idea for a movie/story/whatever. And, what have I done with it? I have an outline, but that was done a few weeks ago (actually, it was done by that first 52nd lol). So, what have I done since?

So, how am I really using my time? Am I using the time available to my advantage, or is it just slipping through my hands? Like sand. That rhymed, and I wanted the hourglass reference.

You see, this is exactly what the character has to decide. And I’ve gotten ideas to tweak it, and make it more interesting, but have I done more than just write them down?

I Can’t Wait pt. II

October 7, 2010

The best dystopian films I have ever seen. I know this seems to have little to do with the other two, but they do.

I can’t wait. This movie will be awesome (I hope!).

I Can’t Wait

October 5, 2010

I love slow sci-fi drama. And I keep watching movies for ideas, influence, and sub plots to include.

I have my idea for slow sci-fi drama. I can’t wait.

I Want To Make Movies

September 23, 2010

I have the best idea right now.

Oh, and I still want to use this song in a movie, where the main character wishes away the world…

I just have to find a copy of Nothing. I forgot about that movie, but two buddies do that exact thing. They wish the world away, and it comes true.