Thirty

I made it.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s depressing. Holy cow is it depressing.

But I look back, which was the point of another blog I started and won’t link to, and I realize I have nothing to be depressed about. My 20s were fun, and I’m glad I got them over with. My 20s made me learn things about myself, and made me face myself. I’m not perfect, and I’m done aiming for that. I’m me, and I want to find something that makes me happy. I want to find someone that makes me happy. I want to be somewhere that makes me happy. And, hopefully, I’ll make those things/person(s) happy as well. That doesn’t mean bigamy, that means supervisors.

I’m clueless on what I was doing when I turned 20. Probably drinking, and looking for ways to drink. While I still have yet to find ways to meet people I’m interested in, I’m done doing it through the drinking route. Drinking is just headaches and a waste of money. Drinking goes in me and in the toilet, one way or another.

At 20, sure, I would have been disappointed where I am at 30. I would have liked to know what I know now back then, but would I be the same person? The heartbreak, the disappointment, the hours earning peanuts doing what I don’t like? The only way to truly learn that is to experience it. Knowing it at 20 may have meant something, but I probably would have brushed it off. Like I still do with others’ advice at 30.

However, what would the 20 year old me think about playing Roy Orbison songs on the ukulele? What would the 20 year old me think about having my own place? What would the 20 year old me think about giving up drinking?

What would the 20 year old me think about my confidence? What would the 20 year old me think about New Age music? What would the 20 year old me think about staying in on Friday night?

I once wanted to make a blog called ‘staying in on Friday night’ but it was about music.

You see, the 30 year old me has gone through stuff that the 20 year old me would never survive. But in turn, I’m happy with who I am. I’ve learned from the experiences. I’ve gained confidence in my abilities and what I have to offer. The 20 year old me was convinced the future was brighter, but that was because I was imaging myself making movies and falling in love. The 30 year old me knows the future is brighter, because I’ve overcome obstacles. I will be able to in the future as well. It won’t be easy, but this ukulele playing, movie buff, outdoorsy nerd will be there too. Stressful day? Fresh air and a walk will make me feel better. Busy week? Watch an old favorite film Saturday night. Need to vent? Pick up the uke and rhyme “boss” with…”DOS”?

I’ve become more realistic. Which is a bit of a letdown. Dream jobs are just that, because you don’t work to have a dream. Though, sometimes you need to exercise your memory to remember them. I would still love to make a movie with friends, and my creativity is through the roof; relatively speaking. The ceiling in my apartment is kinda low afterall…

But this is what I do now. I reflect with a smile. I look forward, knowing it won’t be easy, but also knowing it will be worth it.

My latest favorite movie is Begin Again. And there’s a wonderful line where Mark Ruffalo explains that life is a string and pearls, but the pearls get fewer and fewer as you get older.

This entire weekend was a pearl. I’ll wait for the next one, when it comes.

Toast & Tea

Wow, I never realized how much that sounds like (or at least rhymes with) the ‘new’ Death Cab album…

Well, I made it. Practically three years in the making, since I had it that one fateful morning at my parents’ house.

I have that job. Well, kinda. I have my apartment. I have some weekends off, but definitely have Sundays off.

However, there are new stipulations. Such as an oven that I should clean, and a smoke detector that is very sensetive.

But I had it. Toast and tea, the way life should be.

05/18/12

May has always been an interesting month for me. For starters, it’s my mother’s name. Um, pretend I didn’t write that…

For most students, May is one month before summer break which also means finals or regents testing depending on your state. As a college student, May means finals – and graduation. In fact, five years ago to the date I graduated from college!

While I can’t say what has happened to me every May since college – like I think I can with November cause of pretty girls – May has definitely been up with Novemeber as a meaningful month in my life.

As I said, I graduated college in May. Last year, I swore I was in love with someone (which reminds me – what a terrible idea that was!). But what that really meant to me in the long run is that I can love. Usually I’m as exciting as a blank book cover. Only when I’m falling and my innards are flapping was my life exciting. But having the ability to love is something I never saw in myself – until last year.

This May, I am continuing on with my never ending growing, never ending learning, and never ending changing. I got a Full Time spot at a bank. Which on the surface isn’t much – I didn’t go to school for accounting or anything. BUT, it also means that I can finally leave my high school job. Which definitely was the most exciting thing as of late.

And I can look at this two ways. There goes a good chunk of my life that made me who I am – good, bad and indifferent. Or, I can look at it as a chance to look towards the future. The moment I left I should’ve done this, I could’ve done that.

But also, the moment I left, I was ready to start the next chapter of my life. There will be challanges, and there will be problems to face. But I can finally wake up in my apartment on a Sunday, drink tea and eat toast. Cause that was what I’ve been wanting to do for a long, long time.

The question isn’t if the reward of toast is worth the challanges. It is if I’m up for the challanges. And the answer had better be yes – cause if I’m not, I’m losing this apartment, that toast, and that tea.

You’ve Gotta Be The One You’ve Gotta Be The Way

Don’t worry, there are other words I can say. Though most are four letter words they don’t allow in childrens movies.

And The Truth Is That, I Can Hardly Wait

I was never planning this, but I like where this is going.

BTW, UK movie posters are sideways? Or is it just that Americans are more…vertically inclined?

But New York Cares

Do You Believe in Rapture Babe?

So, the Rapture is supposed to happen in two days or something? Oh well, I can accept being wrong. It has happened before. Maybe I can accept my fate.

Moving on, I’m back to this blog! I doubt that I’ll keep it going. I like where I left it off, a little circle of “No Pun Intended” ending both the first and (previously) last entry. If I do it again will it be intentional and lose its magic? Or will it even matter? If the Rapture is the 21st, it won’t!

But I came a nice full circle today. Hopes and daydreams clouded my mind, only to not come true. Plans came up to ruin future daydreams – you know, as if the current ones are happening… Work was pretty dull. Maybe the world ending isn’t that bad.

But in the down time at my job, a joke is made, and I smile. Everyone smiles. In my down time, I write a basic outline for a story. Just like I did last Saturday, except that was a song. Oh, and the story was on a caffeine rush, ALTHOUGH the idea was in my head for a while (the song wasn’t on a rush either). And it hits me. No, not a buncha kids throwing rocks but a realization. HANK IS CREATIVE. I haven’t lost it. And despite my daydreams not coming true but still clouding my mind, I can still write. I can still imagine. How many 26 year olds still do that?

So, no, things aren’t how I want them to be. But perhaps things are how I need them to be. And let’s face it, I may have two jobs that drag me down, but I have time to myself to go to Panera and throw away my paycheck. I got an apple this time though!

So is the Rapture supposed to come soon? I doubt I can talk God out of doing it(you know, if He’s up there), but that’s besides the point. I am alive. I can do things I want. Let me enjoy the moment – cause one day I won’t be here, or this won’t be here.

2001: A Takk… Odessey

I found the synch I’ve been looking for ever since I watched 2001.

I’m also drunk right now, so maybe the synch isn’t actually there. Orange soda and rum – yum!!!

Happy December!!!

Giving thanks?

I’ll take it! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OOgpT5rEKIU

So, here we are again, this time of year. The Holidays. Thanksgiving is tomorrow, Christmas in just over a month away, and New Years will be here a week later. We only have maybe, 5 full weeks left of this year!

But time is a personal matter. What you do with it is up to you. You can be selfish, and realize that 5 weeks isn’t much time to get a lot done. Or you can realize that 5 weeks is a good amount of time to change, even if it is only for the holidays. It really bugs me, that we have friends and family over only for the holidays, and not any other days. The same with gifts and things – I realize if we gave someone a $1 gift each day we’d have to shill out $365 on one person each year. But is that really a lot? Okay, it is, cause I don’t even think my totals for Christmas gifts is even near $365.

But I need to realize, and probably some of you do too, that my friends are my true gifts. My family is, although I like the one saying, you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. And I should realize that I have a lot that my friends like. That may sound selfish, and it is a selfish point of view, but that isn’t what I mean. It’s that I should enjoy what I have as much as my friends do, as they should do with themselves. I realize that my friends don’t vent to me their personal problems, and vise-versa (mostly), and those problems can bog down the things I have that I’m good at. But I’m happy with who I am, and what I have. Both possession wise and mutual wise.

So don’t worry about getting that one last thing you want right now. It’s time to reflect on the year it’s been, and good times shared this past year. And remind them too, when you see them over the holidays.

Happiness?

That album, driving for about 40 minutes, and yelling along – that is, not singing along, not shouting.

You should try it some time.