Celebrating Early

December 30, 2009

New Years is coming. And I’m thinking of following through with what my friend suggested – going to my parents’ house. They’ll know where I am, which will be a load off their minds. Perhaps I’ll get to watch The Twilight Zone marathon again. How I love that show…

But for now, since I am off tomorrow, I am drinking wine that’s been sitting in my refrigerator too long, and listening to my top ten albums of the past decade (see September for the list[s]). And it’s nice. I’m realizing how good this music really was.

Right now, I’m on #6. Merriweather Post Pavilion. “In The Flowers” is so good – if only it wasn’t surpassed by the rest of the album…

I’m a little tipsy – many misspellings I fixed and two posts in one night.



December 29, 2009

Here we are again, an ending and henceforth a new beginning. When something is over, it’s so easy to reflect, criticize and learn.

I was going to write entries about my favorite band, movie director and author I stumbled upon in the past ten years. The one that made me most happy, the one who I gave the most thought and most made me who I am today.

I hadn’t put much thought into it, honestly. Albert Camus made me content with “not living”. Neutral Milk Hotel made me want to pick up an instrument. Darren Aronofsky made me want to make movies.

It’s funny though. Would I be okay with my placement in life, had I never read The Stranger, never heard In The Aeroplane Over The Sea, nor watched Pi? What if that one message board never mentioned Camus? What if that other one never mentioned In The Aeroplane Over The Sea? What if I never obsessed over 3.1415 off to infinity?

Clearly the biggest influence on my life over the past ten years that made me who I am today is me. Which is something to say, especially for me. Normally I’m full of doubt, or just a product of my surroundings. Well, I took those surroundings and stuck with them for as long as I needed. And knowing me, perhaps a little too long…

I wouldn’t be who I am today had I not had those items available. But I would be alive. I doubt I’d still want to be movie director; I’d do the smart thing and write it off as just a dream. But I don’t believe that, where I am in life. I have a plan, and hope to make an internet-only feature soon. I already did the internet-only band. Somehow, those who wanted to, and probably many who didn’t, had found it. I’m sure some will find my movie, whether or not they enjoy it.

And there is so much in general I have learned, be it basic HTML coding or what it means to be alive, or even how depressing it is to be a ‘scanning clerk’. There is so much to criticize, like why didn’t I ask that one girl to homecoming, or why did I go back to my high school job after college or even why am I so critical? But with everything that has happened in the past ten years, I can only imagine how wonderful the next ten years will be.

It’s hard to imagine. I’ll be 35 by then. And I’ll either have made it or not. I’ll probably have children by then. I’ll have to provide, and be truly attentive. All my hopes will have vanished, except for happiness. It’s scary. But I’ll be me. Which is enough to ask for, when you get down to it.

This is the path I have chosen, whether or not I’m aware of it. This is where I am. Which is both a good thing and a bad thing. I don’t have any problems where I am. I could’ve done this better, or that differently. But I did them how I did them. There’s no time to look back. Just forward. Or, just now. In the moment.

My Gifts

December 26, 2009

Just what I needed.

So This Is Christmas?

December 24, 2009

Long day at work.
My recently titled “Henry Awards”
My most recent compliment giving friend.
Preparing after Christmas sales.
Helping out.
Dinner with a friend.
Home late, but before my brother!
NPR end of year lists.
My kind of Christmas music.
Can you cut a straight line through wrapping paper?
A final reflection.

* * * * *
Some gifts…

I feel bad with both gifts – although, the song is absolutely amazing! My movie gift should be Moon, but they pushed back the release date. So there’s my second favorite film of the past year.

Anime and Wine

December 19, 2009

Take that May 1st entry.

I’m not drunk. Is wear. Get it? I swear!

Why is my friend showing me teacher related anime? Oh well, some of it’s cool. I like the actual drawn style, too!

Pingback #2

December 14, 2009

Wasn’t the guy in Dark Star named Pingback? Or Pinback?

Anyways, and vaguely related to Dark Star; home made, low-budget space movies. Like this one of mine –

I re-watched it last night. It’s so wonderful. It’s campy. I have to say I can’t help but laugh at a few lines the computer says, my inability to act, and how cheap the interior of the “spaceship” looks. There isn’t even a windshield – not that there’s much wind in space. And solar wind, yeesh, I dunno what could shield you from that!

But I watched it. I laughed. I thought. I learned. It’s been probably a good 6 months since I watched it, if not more (probably closer to 9 in reality). And I can tell a story. Which is all I’ve ever wanted to do. Which is all we ever really do.

After watching that, not only do I want to continue making movies, but I’m more than content with what I have done. As bad as my other versions may be. Exponent. Bad sci-fi. The guy’s alone in a small space, taking pills. Same thing.

But for this brief moment I shone brightly. And only now am I realizing it.

I just hope I don’t burn half as long…


December 10, 2009

We all make resolutions for the new year, be them “I want to stop biting my nails” or “I should clean my room more often” or “I’m gonna fly to the moon!” While flying to the moon might be a stretch (and when was the last time I cleaned my room?), I actually got one done! Remember this –

Remember, I moved out!

I’m in the same job I don’t like. I didn’t make many more videos (and, my stupid wanna be mathematician tells me I didn’t have as many views either, however “one year ago” can be anything between January ’08 and Dec. ’08, which is more than a year ago…).

So, I guess I didn’t get everything I wanted done, but I got some things done. Which is enough. I didn’t give up on my goals, my resolutions, and my plans.

Now I just gotta stop biting my nails…

I Was Already

December 7, 2009

I was gonna write this huge post about life. About ups and downs, gains and losses, accomplishment and disappointments. Like always.

Then someone over a message board sent me this –

And while the video goes on for 7 minutes too long, the first minute and a half are amazing. I wasn’t expecting much, which is always where you get the most beautiful things. I saw a guy with a ukulele – I’m biased, I clicked on it.

Somewhere over the rainbow. A deep voice, but not a Stephen Merritt/Johnny Cash baritone. Some backup orchestration, I originally found unnecessary. Girls dancing, which is unnecessary (as pointed out by the person providing the link).

The song is as wonderful as ever. The ukulele is perfect. I love it.

I remember what I’m here for. It’s not girls. It’s not happiness. It’s art. Beauty. Truth.

And to get that, imperfection. Like the high note he hits – only, since he hits it, it is perfection.

I could watch that minute and a half over and over and over. But do I, and ruin it? Or do I leave it?

The First Snowfall

December 5, 2009

We had the first snowfall of this winter today. I don’t know the total accumulation, mainly cause it’s still snowing but also cause it’s quite irrelevant.

You see, the first snowfall means something else entirely. I had some chores to do at my folks’ house, and by the time I got there it had been snowing for about an hour. Nothing sticking, but I did notice on my way that it was that starting to get foggy in the distance. The snow was becoming so heavy that the horizon wasn’t visible.

So, I do my chores – and I’m never gonna hurt no one. I listen to This American Life on the computer, cause my parents’ radio doesn’t get NPR that well. I rest. I’m at my parents’ house, on a snowy day, just like winters before.

My mom uses my presence as an excuse to go all out. She makes chili. Warms up frozen apple pie. It’s all good. It’s all especially good on a cold, snowy night. A good reason to stay in.

The TV doesn’t work as well as it used to with the snow. Satellite TV needs a clean satellite to work. We get a few channels, compared to the 300 and a few channels they get. One of those early for Christmas Christmas movies is on. We’ve seen it a hundred times, but we watch it.

This is what the first snowfall means. It’s like a power outage, but in winter not after a crazy thunderstorm. The radio works. My dad’s sitting around with the radio on, reading a book. I smile – that’s exactly what I’d be doing at my apartment.

It isn’t what you do to warm up, nor is it what you do to wind down. It’s what you do. It’s what will be passed on, even if you don’t realize it. Like good food on a cold winter day, it’s exactly what I need.