Dear May 2011 Self

Keep this blog. And keep this blog. And keep this blog. Just because you get other ideas for blogs, you can’t seem to give this one up. Just…try to keep up with the creativity.
Write. And write. And write. See, creativity.
Don’t drink. Well, do it, but you’re already over it. You’ll be done with vodka soon enough.
Read. And read. And read.
Listen. And sing.
Watch. And make.

Don’t worry about smitten girl. It’s love. And you’ll be over her eventually.
Love. And love. And love.

Maybe love less with one person. But if you do that, love more with another person.

Quit your job. Well, okay, not flat out. But you still have that savings account, right?
Just, don’t worry about interest rates, that one supervisor, and that one customer. It’ll be over before you know it.
Lower your standards. But at the same time, be passionate about your work.

Change. And accept change. Not just dimes but personality and emotional change. It’ll make the rest easier.

Be patient. But, take initiative. In short: work towards goals.

Play. Laugh. Cry. Reflect.
Meditate.

Don’t eat a bag full of Milano cookies in one sitting.

Don’t number these, just because your ex thinks they’re easier to comment on that way.

* * * * *
What I’d rather do, is write a letter to my present self, than my past self. I’d rather live with the issues I’m currently facing than give a younger self advice. Things were disappointing over the past 3 and a half years. And so will the things in the next 3 and a half years. But this is a nice way to reflect and realize what it may bring. Not just disappointment, but opportunities. Not just hurdles to get over, but lessons to learn.

Thirty

I made it.

I’m not gonna lie, it’s depressing. Holy cow is it depressing.

But I look back, which was the point of another blog I started and won’t link to, and I realize I have nothing to be depressed about. My 20s were fun, and I’m glad I got them over with. My 20s made me learn things about myself, and made me face myself. I’m not perfect, and I’m done aiming for that. I’m me, and I want to find something that makes me happy. I want to find someone that makes me happy. I want to be somewhere that makes me happy. And, hopefully, I’ll make those things/person(s) happy as well. That doesn’t mean bigamy, that means supervisors.

I’m clueless on what I was doing when I turned 20. Probably drinking, and looking for ways to drink. While I still have yet to find ways to meet people I’m interested in, I’m done doing it through the drinking route. Drinking is just headaches and a waste of money. Drinking goes in me and in the toilet, one way or another.

At 20, sure, I would have been disappointed where I am at 30. I would have liked to know what I know now back then, but would I be the same person? The heartbreak, the disappointment, the hours earning peanuts doing what I don’t like? The only way to truly learn that is to experience it. Knowing it at 20 may have meant something, but I probably would have brushed it off. Like I still do with others’ advice at 30.

However, what would the 20 year old me think about playing Roy Orbison songs on the ukulele? What would the 20 year old me think about having my own place? What would the 20 year old me think about giving up drinking?

What would the 20 year old me think about my confidence? What would the 20 year old me think about New Age music? What would the 20 year old me think about staying in on Friday night?

I once wanted to make a blog called ‘staying in on Friday night’ but it was about music.

You see, the 30 year old me has gone through stuff that the 20 year old me would never survive. But in turn, I’m happy with who I am. I’ve learned from the experiences. I’ve gained confidence in my abilities and what I have to offer. The 20 year old me was convinced the future was brighter, but that was because I was imaging myself making movies and falling in love. The 30 year old me knows the future is brighter, because I’ve overcome obstacles. I will be able to in the future as well. It won’t be easy, but this ukulele playing, movie buff, outdoorsy nerd will be there too. Stressful day? Fresh air and a walk will make me feel better. Busy week? Watch an old favorite film Saturday night. Need to vent? Pick up the uke and rhyme “boss” with…”DOS”?

I’ve become more realistic. Which is a bit of a letdown. Dream jobs are just that, because you don’t work to have a dream. Though, sometimes you need to exercise your memory to remember them. I would still love to make a movie with friends, and my creativity is through the roof; relatively speaking. The ceiling in my apartment is kinda low afterall…

But this is what I do now. I reflect with a smile. I look forward, knowing it won’t be easy, but also knowing it will be worth it.

My latest favorite movie is Begin Again. And there’s a wonderful line where Mark Ruffalo explains that life is a string and pearls, but the pearls get fewer and fewer as you get older.

This entire weekend was a pearl. I’ll wait for the next one, when it comes.

John Carney Stumbled Upon Something

It’s been a while, I know.

John Carney, for those out of the loop, is a film director. About 7 years ago his film Once got recognition it deserved, winning an Oscar for Best Original Song when a live action princess musical was up for three songs in that category. Seriously, it must have felt awful for anyone involved in that film.

Anyways, having returned from my second viewing of Begin Again (as much as I love movies, it’s extremely rare for me to go to the theater twice), I realized that there are themes similar in both movies. There is the music of course. Which is wonderful singer-songwriter stuff. If you liked the mus in Once, which many of us did, you’ll enjoy the music in Begin Again.

There are hints of a love story between the two main characters, which there was in Once. In fact, the male lead even tells the female lead in Once to stay over, which was a dumb idea. But in Begin Again, one moves forward in their relationships while the other is able to reconnect.

But that is what John Carney stumbled upon.

We all have a soft spot for rom-coms where the two leads fall in love and are perfect for each other, if only for the 100 minutes of their lives we see. As much as we want to be above it and tell ourselves love doesn’t last, when you’re in that mindset and you see it, it just reinforces the idea. Maybe this will last. Maybe this is the one.

And, there is the other side. It’s a Hollywood ending and love is tough and you have to work for it. So there is the occasional film where the two main leads do not fall in love with each other. And the skeptics rejoice. It’s more realistic. The lesson is learned but the loves doesn’t last.

But what these two films have in common that very few other films do, is how doing something with your life can give you the strength to do what you have to. Getting that music down and having a final product gives people the strength to get past what’s holding them back. Have someone to get over? Write that poem to get over the person. Want to get someone back? Do the one thing you’ve wanted. Do the one thing you did when you two were in love.

It took me forever to realize this personally, but sitting around feeling sorry for yourself only makes things worse. Distracting yourself with a project gets you ahead. Not only are you doing something you’ve wanted, you’re showing passion for something.

And that’s what it boils down to. It isn’t a Hollywood ending. It isn’t how tough love is. It’s passion in your life. It’s having the courage to do what you want, and hopefully get what you want.

Toast & Tea

Wow, I never realized how much that sounds like (or at least rhymes with) the ‘new’ Death Cab album…

Well, I made it. Practically three years in the making, since I had it that one fateful morning at my parents’ house.

I have that job. Well, kinda. I have my apartment. I have some weekends off, but definitely have Sundays off.

However, there are new stipulations. Such as an oven that I should clean, and a smoke detector that is very sensetive.

But I had it. Toast and tea, the way life should be.

05/18/12

May has always been an interesting month for me. For starters, it’s my mother’s name. Um, pretend I didn’t write that…

For most students, May is one month before summer break which also means finals or regents testing depending on your state. As a college student, May means finals – and graduation. In fact, five years ago to the date I graduated from college!

While I can’t say what has happened to me every May since college – like I think I can with November cause of pretty girls – May has definitely been up with Novemeber as a meaningful month in my life.

As I said, I graduated college in May. Last year, I swore I was in love with someone (which reminds me – what a terrible idea that was!). But what that really meant to me in the long run is that I can love. Usually I’m as exciting as a blank book cover. Only when I’m falling and my innards are flapping was my life exciting. But having the ability to love is something I never saw in myself – until last year.

This May, I am continuing on with my never ending growing, never ending learning, and never ending changing. I got a Full Time spot at a bank. Which on the surface isn’t much – I didn’t go to school for accounting or anything. BUT, it also means that I can finally leave my high school job. Which definitely was the most exciting thing as of late.

And I can look at this two ways. There goes a good chunk of my life that made me who I am – good, bad and indifferent. Or, I can look at it as a chance to look towards the future. The moment I left I should’ve done this, I could’ve done that.

But also, the moment I left, I was ready to start the next chapter of my life. There will be challanges, and there will be problems to face. But I can finally wake up in my apartment on a Sunday, drink tea and eat toast. Cause that was what I’ve been wanting to do for a long, long time.

The question isn’t if the reward of toast is worth the challanges. It is if I’m up for the challanges. And the answer had better be yes – cause if I’m not, I’m losing this apartment, that toast, and that tea.

December 31, 2011

Yesterday, one of my fishies died. I had it for eight years – very old for a fish. But it was my fault – I took really bad care of my fish. But that’s why I get hardy fish like silver dollars, who take it and take it and take it, and finally die – after eight years.

About a week ago, I went home to my parents’ house. It was Christmas, and I felt I had to. I watched football with my family, which I never do. And it was nice. I think I finally see what my mom does, just because my dad does. She didn’t know a damn thing about sports, now she knows the Red Sox better than I do – not that I’m a Red Sox fan.

About a month or so ago I put my ex in her place. And I felt bad, but it needed to be done. That makes me sound horrible. Perhaps I am – afterall, I let a fish I had for eight years just die like that – *finger snap*

About a year ago, I was smitten with someone. It didn’t work out. Oh well.

But last year, I was a very different person. And it feels weird how I am now. There’s a side of me that’s no different from how I used to be. Every old crush is worth my time. Even if she has a boyfriend. And there’s a side of me that looks to future – and knows I should look to the future – but that makes me just as lonely.

I never wrote posts like they’d be my last. I always wanted to report my shortcomings, and maybe I’ll try to fulfill them tomorrow. But everything dies, everything goes away. I wanted to make an album about that – and I want to make a movie that mentions that.

Maybe one day, I’ll let go of that balloon, that I let go of. It is resolutions time, isn’t it?

She Takes All My Love

Takes all my notions/tears ’em all down/’til the earth loses motion

I get it, finally.

Yes, love is about sacrifice. It’s about giving. BUT, it isn’t about giving away, or taking. It’s about what I give and what the other person gives.

So, maybe this won’t work out. Ever. But now I get it.

Bring me my queen

Nothing Gets Crossed Out

So, you know that post I wrote about a month ago? The one overloaded with references from The Microphones? Well, nothing worked out. I guess I woke up. Nothing got crossed off.

You know that post I wrote about 4 days ago? I think this will work out. And, it seems this is how to get over love, just like that midterm I took, one fateful day in college. And, it seems this how to get over working two jobs I’m not particularly proud of, just like in a post I made a few years back.

The reason? This is what I want to do in life. This is what I want to be in life. So I’ll sing along with that Adele song in the car and in my apartment, but I’m on my way to where I belong.

Facing It

https://hankiscreative.wordpress.com/2011/08/01/let-your-light-shine-through/

Nothing is set in stone. But I think this is closer to reality than my daydreaming.

I also wanted to get the Flaming Lips live performance of “Jets” off the first screen. As much as I love that song, I don’t wanna think of things I love right now.

Thanks. You’ve helped me come this far, and you’ve helped me realize who I am. I doubt you’ll ever read that, but I still want to thank you.

Don’t Wake Me Up

As much as I like The Microphones, their early songs are hit or miss.

Anyways, from last year’s post, around this time? If this is a dream, don’t wake me up. If I’m awake, I want to stay awake. Not only is summer almost over, but I feel this is a vital part of my life right now. And if I act, good should come out of it. If I don’t, I’ll be in the same spot I am right now. Which isn’t that bad of a spot right now…

I’m content being older. I’m content with the battles I will have to face. You can’t grow and you can’t gain if you don’t have any battles. It appears just like last year, I won’t get through September without a battle. How many references from The Microphones can I put in one blog entry?

I’m really curious where this is going. I feel the fate side of me just wanting it to be over. Along with the non-confrontational side of me. But there’s a side of me that is really excited how this could all turn out. One day at a time. Don’t dream too far.

So, where do I go from here? I’ll know by my birthday. Twenty-seven. That sounds old too, but I’m also content with that.

Besides, if it doesn’t work out, it means I’m closer to death. And at least I’ll have my birthday cake 🙂