Facing It

September 6, 2011


Nothing is set in stone. But I think this is closer to reality than my daydreaming.

I also wanted to get the Flaming Lips live performance of “Jets” off the first screen. As much as I love that song, I don’t wanna think of things I love right now.

Thanks. You’ve helped me come this far, and you’ve helped me realize who I am. I doubt you’ll ever read that, but I still want to thank you.


Baby if you lose your love, don’t take me by surprise/don’t think you’re crying but there’s tear drops in your eyes/If you gotta leave, you gotta leave.

This isn’t the final answer. But it certainly looks like I have to face this.

I always liked how the violinist with her hair up looks as sad as the songs.

Oh, and for fellow movie nerds out there, watch this

Heh, I never realized how that line would come out…

Best Scene Ever?

December 5, 2010

It has to be!

P.S. I have some personal news, which is funny, cause I wanted to kinda focus on career goals, and not personal news. So, I’ll try to put it on the back burner…

*sigh* Why does life do this?

Twenty-Four Usable Hours

October 21, 2010

I once wrote a short story with that title. The delivery was kinda stupid, but know it makes me ponder how I use my time, and how aware I was of that even back then…

Anyways, twenty-four hours ago I had a weird day at work, and was coming back from it. In fact, to compensate I went out and bought this movie for pretty cheap that was quite enjoyable. You know, instead of doing the responsible thing.

Also, at work (not “one of my jobs”), the computers were down for about twenty-four hours. It was interesting, and not too difficult using the old technology. Adding machines and handwritten receipts – take that computers! Although, one of my co-workers had difficulty balancing her drawer at the end of the day.

And, IN twenty-four hours, it will be October 22nd. Not only will I be 1/12th of they way to 27 from 26 (if you think that’s nerdy, I once wanted to write 1/52nd of the way), but it will be one month of having this idea for a movie/story/whatever. And, what have I done with it? I have an outline, but that was done a few weeks ago (actually, it was done by that first 52nd lol). So, what have I done since?

So, how am I really using my time? Am I using the time available to my advantage, or is it just slipping through my hands? Like sand. That rhymed, and I wanted the hourglass reference.

You see, this is exactly what the character has to decide. And I’ve gotten ideas to tweak it, and make it more interesting, but have I done more than just write them down?

It’s funny. Last night at this time I heard a song on the radio and read some horoscope advice. And I thought that I should give up because she isn’t worth it.

And then I run into her, and she points how we hadn’t run into each other much this week. Does this mean she wants to see me more often? Does this mean she wants to talk with me?

So, is she worth it? Should I give up?

And I realize, it isn’t your outside influences that tell you what to do. It’s you who does what you do, and I should do what I want to do – even if I expect a negative outcome…

Cause I’ve read your horoscope/and now I’ve given up all hope/so I don’t really love you anymore

This Stinks!

April 30, 2010

I woke up in a funk this morning. I woke up late, called out and went back to sleep. I’m not particularly upset, but when I finally did wake up (like, 20 minutes ago, maybe?), a few kinda depressing and disappointed thoughts crossed my mind. I’m not depressed or anything – I’ve found what little I do have to offer is enough to live for. Even if I just pass it down to my next of kin, which I am not looking forward to but that’s besides the point.

There’s so much I want to do. And so little time to do it. With every passing day I’m closer to death, closer to more responsibility and closer to having my dreams vanish into thin air. And well, sometimes I respect those I work with who are stuck in that situation – mainly because their desire is to keep their children happy and healthy, and not worry about their own dreams (which for anyone who followed this blog knows that’s what ‘Attentivism’ is all about). But at the same time, as I realized a few weeks ago, I haven’t messed up anything. So why should I be so concerned about what I do or don’t do, and what I’m putting off. Well, you know, besides the inevidible aging thing.

I look back on this blog, which from time to time recently I must admit, I’ve considered deleting. I haven’t done much creative on this lately. I’ve mostly written about my concerns and inabilities and all that fun human stuff. My most respected posts? In The Aeroplane Over The Sea turning 10. A break up post. Animal Collective being the best band of the decade. As much as I wouldn’t mind being a writer, and wanting to publish a book as ‘one’ thing to do with my life, my most read posts aren’t things I’ve created. In fact they’re things I’ve torn apart, over-analyzed and destroyed. You can’t go back to how wonderful something is, the first time you get what that something is.

I’m getting closer to 26. Which I know, in the grand scheme of things is still young. This world is older than I can imagine. 2012 is slowly approaching too, not that I believe any of that end of the world crap. And hey, if the world ends, no one will be around to prove me wrong!

I really don’t know where I’m going with this post. I have nothing to say, in the long run. No one will read this anyway. It won’t matter if I re-read this next year, and think “Wow, I’ve changed.” Or worse yet, “Yep, I still know that feeling.”

Technically, it’s still April. Technically, I can still change my life before the end of this year. Will I? Will it? Does it need changing, honestly?

A friend of mine brought this up today. The volcano eruption would be a good reason not to live over there. I told her it’d be part of the fun, and had to remind her of an earlier story I imagined where I’d be rowboating for the hell of it, a volcano would go off and then my boat would catch on fire. Hell, it is springtime, I probably would be doing that!

Anyways, what happened to that part of me? That wanted to do something completely irrational, and get paid for it? Something I probably wouldn’t be great at, but would learn to cope with it – or fail which I do seem to be great at… Where’s the dreamer in me, as if I could do that successfully?

Further, I have come up with a utopia, using modern day technology. Imagine if we all were farmers, and grew corn and potatoes, maybe had a chicken or two for eggs (and eventually meat). Imagine there were solar panels on the roof, so we could power things – like this laptop. We would have food, we would have electricity. We would have shelter. We would be independent from the country (and our neighbors!).

I should be the change I want to see in the world, not tell stories of it. I could do it. I should do it. Will I do it?

This is why I really bring all this up – there’s a job opening in a small city around here, for a journalist. I haven’t applied to it. I don’t know if I will.

I hate the job I have right now. Granted, this new job would be a much further commute, were I to stay here (though, I do know how I’d get there – through another small and worse off city lol!). I probably would be earning more. I could also move there, or at least to a closer town. This isn’t my dream job, but it’s what my degree kinda set me up for.

But what did happen to that dreamer in me? Ya know, Albert Camus wrote for an underground newspaper. Granted, it was for the Communists (I think). Stanley Kubrick sent pictures to a magazine company. And as the job desciption says – narrative writing is a plus. I want to write, be it for the big screen or a philosophy or even this blog – and I want to write my lyrics.

What happened to me? Seriously…

This Past Week

February 27, 2010

There are about four major parts of my life, when I get down to it.

One, was just being. Not living. Not existing – although, you can’t be if you don’t exist. But this was young me. Simple. Being pushed along. My ultimate goal was to make friends and rate records.

Secondly, there was existentialism. This was my last year of college, and a year or two after. Coffee was a necessity. Time was limited. This consisted of doing, although where the line was draw between doing good or bad (or accomplishing) was nowhere to be found.

Up until lately, it was what I titled ‘Modestism’ or ‘Apathism’. Its ultimate goal was to play fair. The motto of – There are things I haven’t said, and there are things I haven’t done. And I’m sure it will continue. But I suddenly lost the passion of living, and was reverting back to making friends and rating records.

Now, I return to what I once refered to as Attentivism – this blog was the birthing place of that lack of movement. Its motto – focus on attending to others. Its ultimate goal – to inspire others to continue. To do something big, as long as its for others.

I spent a lot of time alone this past week, being snowed in. I didn’t create anything. I wouldn’t say I had a date (though, I did go out with one friend a lot). I did read a book…

But anyways, now I see what this week was for.

Stupidity Feeds Change

January 18, 2010

I wouldn’t be in the situation I’m in had it been for logical reasoning, carefulness, patience and planning. You know, the attentive things…

But ya know, I’m still obsessed with failure, disappointment, mistakes.

It’s scary – the other night I was feeling. Longing. Missing. Is this failure? Is this a mistake? Or, is it worth learning from? Is it worth creating from? I think so. I still don’t have a “song” though…

Oh yeah, where’s the Creative part of this blog?

Animal Collective, Again

August 23, 2009

Sometimes, I imagine I can make music. And well, I can make music, but I don’t know if I can make good music.

Sometimes I overthink things. Am I doing one thing cause it’s what my surroundings made me interested in? Or am I doing it because I really want to do it? I’ve always wanted to be a movie director. Some times I wanna be a writer. Other times I wanna make music.

Recently, upon finding out Animal Collective’s underrated (by me even!) Song Tungs album was recorded in only a few weeks (according to all music guide), I’ve wondered if I should make an AC influenced album, before I turn 25. You know, instead of the album I want to make.

But then I think I’m lazy. And then I think about my friends, and blame them cause they take up all my time.

Which is funny, cause if I made a short film with them, would they be taking up all my time?

Although, I know what is really taking up all of my time…